Fight

Looking back growing up, I was shy but I had this thick wall up as well. I would let people in unfortunately hoping that one of these times they are not going to hurt me. But when they did that fire came out of me and I was the Biggest Bitch you would have ever known.

I always had this fight that I deserve to be treated a certain way. And I could never understand why I wasn't. And maybe it was my fault, because at times I started to attack before I would even give someone the chance.

Also, my mother, growing up screamed and yelled, slapped me, called me names... and here I just had to sit there and take it. If I said anything, things got worse. So I learned to just sit there. Learned to think about something else. Well, sometimes it was your the worst hateful person I've ever met. And I hate you with every ounce of my body. Took all her sh*t for 28 yrs. Until finally I spoke up and defended myself. You know and at that point, I think she knew better to lay a hand on me because I would .. well it wouldn't have been good. I started to see the anger all building up and I was able to pull back and calm myself within, which I was very proud of myself for. That I didn't slope that low to be an equal of her. Than also I was proud that after 28 yrs I stood up for what I believed for once.

Here's the thing tho, I will almost fight anyone. Anyone it seems except Ed. I can only fight with him so long. I go in spurts. But now someone else, oh it could last months, years, forever. And it seems every time that I allow these people to have this effect on me, the close I grow with Ed. Or at least it was. I am slowly pulling away. Specially considering how long I was with Ed before I even thought about separating from him.

The only problem is my fight is a different fight, because I do feel like I need to scream and punch and yell just go all over the place. And I'm really not mad at Ed for it, I'm mad at everyone else for it. I know it was my decision to release in that way,  it's just the constant way that I felt and .. Well it's like standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk bleeding and everyone just walking by you all day without even bothering to ask if you were okay and what they could do to help. But that then pisses me off to think that I needed someone to bother to ask me if I were okay. I should have just fought more. Idk.

My fighting is anger, being upset and mad. And I'm just really tired of that. I just don't know how to change it. I know deep down it's sadness so at times I just feel hopeless. I really don't know.