BEGINNING

So as many know I started with Ed 18 yrs ago. It wasn't until last year that I even thought of attempting to live without Ed. And yet here I am still with Ed, we're best friends, lovers, companions, and I hate him with all of my heart!

I like the question of do you know how to live in the now?

I suck at living in the now! It doesn't matter what time of the day it is, I don't know how to just be calm and relax and just Be. I always say I want that but yet my mind will just go racing even if I want to just lay down or sit in the sun and just breathe. It's hard for me right now even writing to not think what I have to get done this morning and afternoon. If I had a switch to my head I would turn in off in a heartbeat.

I don't know about beginnings. Because when I think of that word I want to say that I'm on this 'good' road of recovery, when in the moment I am stuck in the mud.

 As for is things scary right now, they are if I don't listen to Ed. I really am not doing well at shaking his thoughts vs. mine. And I do know that when I block him out for the moment I find myself going please don't. It's really not that big of a deal, you'll be happy and not sad anymore. I need to get that voice louder cause right now it is just not enough. I'm starting to get really worried tho.

Well, what I would want as a beginning obviously needs to start with me. I just don't know how to put that first foot out the door, or even an inch out the door. It seems like every time I do something small it freaks me out and I take 4 steps back. So it almost feels like every times I take an inch I'm being pulled back a foot. I don't like that.

The last thing I want to say is that to me beginnings make me think and feel awkward, nervous, scared, anxious. It's the unknown that I don't like. And because of that I chose to stay where I am. Eventho I truly don't want to stay like that. Beginnings have hurt me, not like this isn't, it's just I tend to end up making the wrong choice it seems every times. Beginnings scare me.