My Soul..
I swear no one understands my soul. No one knows truly who I am. What I am. How much sacrifice I would give for someone who I wouldn't even know ..
I cry a lot. I feel for others that have less then I do. Or who are going thru more hardship then I am. I don't have a lot of money and yet I try my best to give as much as I could possibly. I figure if I can go out to eat at a diner then I can def. give to a homeless person. Tom doesn't like it so much. He figures that they have a home and are just conning us. I always think, well if they are then that's their problem not mind. I was intending to do something kind and they will have to repent for it later.. karma.
I'm a very sad person. I hurt all the time it seems. I don't know if it's because I'm depressed or what. I just know that I could cry on the drop of a dime. Deep down I know I want to laugh and actually laugh without feeling like I'm forcing it or that it's just a moment. I have a friend that laughs like all the time, and I almost find her fake because of the way that I am. It's just like you can't be happy all the time .. yet she always seems to be.
Anyways.. my soul. I .. me .. and maybe me alone. Would describe my soul as kind, helpful, understanding, and always there when needed. I also would say that if you stab me, I'll come at you fighting like a little b*tch. I've always been the person that as long as you are respectful to me and kind to me, I'll give you that same respect back. But as soon as you turn on me your going to get the devil out of me and it's not good.
So, that's my soul. At least what I can feel of it anyways.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Fight
Looking back growing up, I was shy but I had this thick wall up as well. I would let people in unfortunately hoping that one of these times they are not going to hurt me. But when they did that fire came out of me and I was the Biggest Bitch you would have ever known.
I always had this fight that I deserve to be treated a certain way. And I could never understand why I wasn't. And maybe it was my fault, because at times I started to attack before I would even give someone the chance.
Also, my mother, growing up screamed and yelled, slapped me, called me names... and here I just had to sit there and take it. If I said anything, things got worse. So I learned to just sit there. Learned to think about something else. Well, sometimes it was your the worst hateful person I've ever met. And I hate you with every ounce of my body. Took all her sh*t for 28 yrs. Until finally I spoke up and defended myself. You know and at that point, I think she knew better to lay a hand on me because I would .. well it wouldn't have been good. I started to see the anger all building up and I was able to pull back and calm myself within, which I was very proud of myself for. That I didn't slope that low to be an equal of her. Than also I was proud that after 28 yrs I stood up for what I believed for once.
Here's the thing tho, I will almost fight anyone. Anyone it seems except Ed. I can only fight with him so long. I go in spurts. But now someone else, oh it could last months, years, forever. And it seems every time that I allow these people to have this effect on me, the close I grow with Ed. Or at least it was. I am slowly pulling away. Specially considering how long I was with Ed before I even thought about separating from him.
The only problem is my fight is a different fight, because I do feel like I need to scream and punch and yell just go all over the place. And I'm really not mad at Ed for it, I'm mad at everyone else for it. I know it was my decision to release in that way, it's just the constant way that I felt and .. Well it's like standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk bleeding and everyone just walking by you all day without even bothering to ask if you were okay and what they could do to help. But that then pisses me off to think that I needed someone to bother to ask me if I were okay. I should have just fought more. Idk.
My fighting is anger, being upset and mad. And I'm just really tired of that. I just don't know how to change it. I know deep down it's sadness so at times I just feel hopeless. I really don't know.
I always had this fight that I deserve to be treated a certain way. And I could never understand why I wasn't. And maybe it was my fault, because at times I started to attack before I would even give someone the chance.
Also, my mother, growing up screamed and yelled, slapped me, called me names... and here I just had to sit there and take it. If I said anything, things got worse. So I learned to just sit there. Learned to think about something else. Well, sometimes it was your the worst hateful person I've ever met. And I hate you with every ounce of my body. Took all her sh*t for 28 yrs. Until finally I spoke up and defended myself. You know and at that point, I think she knew better to lay a hand on me because I would .. well it wouldn't have been good. I started to see the anger all building up and I was able to pull back and calm myself within, which I was very proud of myself for. That I didn't slope that low to be an equal of her. Than also I was proud that after 28 yrs I stood up for what I believed for once.
Here's the thing tho, I will almost fight anyone. Anyone it seems except Ed. I can only fight with him so long. I go in spurts. But now someone else, oh it could last months, years, forever. And it seems every time that I allow these people to have this effect on me, the close I grow with Ed. Or at least it was. I am slowly pulling away. Specially considering how long I was with Ed before I even thought about separating from him.
The only problem is my fight is a different fight, because I do feel like I need to scream and punch and yell just go all over the place. And I'm really not mad at Ed for it, I'm mad at everyone else for it. I know it was my decision to release in that way, it's just the constant way that I felt and .. Well it's like standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk bleeding and everyone just walking by you all day without even bothering to ask if you were okay and what they could do to help. But that then pisses me off to think that I needed someone to bother to ask me if I were okay. I should have just fought more. Idk.
My fighting is anger, being upset and mad. And I'm just really tired of that. I just don't know how to change it. I know deep down it's sadness so at times I just feel hopeless. I really don't know.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Compliments
I've never really felt good with compliments. I always felt like they were lies, just someone trying to be nice even though they didn't believe in what they were saying. Just they were trying to be a good person.
Plus too, I couldn't believe it because the outcomes were not matching what was being said. So, it was just like how do I believe in that when everything you just said isn't what my life is.
With complimenting myself, I will now. But I'm not sure if I believe or not. I would like to think that I do, just again, am I lying to myself !?
And I definitely do not know how to take a compliment. In the beginning I would argue the compliment. Then I learned to just smile and say nothing. Now, I will say Thank You but I still don't believe it. It's like deep down I can feel that they don't really mean it. Even when my husband says thing, I still just won't trust it.
For me I would rather not hear a compliment then to have someone say something. I just most of the time think it's the opposite of whatever it was.
Plus too, I couldn't believe it because the outcomes were not matching what was being said. So, it was just like how do I believe in that when everything you just said isn't what my life is.
With complimenting myself, I will now. But I'm not sure if I believe or not. I would like to think that I do, just again, am I lying to myself !?
And I definitely do not know how to take a compliment. In the beginning I would argue the compliment. Then I learned to just smile and say nothing. Now, I will say Thank You but I still don't believe it. It's like deep down I can feel that they don't really mean it. Even when my husband says thing, I still just won't trust it.
For me I would rather not hear a compliment then to have someone say something. I just most of the time think it's the opposite of whatever it was.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Endings
There have been a couple endings in my life so far. Leaving high school, having to give up sports, graduating college, and then along the way friends. I don't like endings. I don't cope well with it.
Like first high school, it wasn't so much of a impact at first. The sports was. I was used to playing basketball, volleyball, track, and swim. So to then go to college and really only be competitive in volleyball was hard. Specially to go to the games or just go for a swim, just felt like I had an old life that I loved and I couldn't get back.
And it doesn't help that I am a very tentative and protective person (of myself and then the ppl that I do actually let in). So to make friends is hard. So to let go of the ones that were my friends is even harder for me.
Getting my Bachelors was like a bitter sweet thing. I was happy that I didn't have to go back to class or take a frickin exam, but then I was also like okay now what do I do with my life?!
Really though, when I have gotten a job I've poured myself into it. You ask me to do something and I have to do it. I can't give up and it has to be well at least as best as I can possibly do it. It's perfect in my eyes, maybe not yours, but it is in mine.
I think that's why it's so hard for me to give up Ed. It's an end of Ed. And I've poured myself into him for so long that I am hesitant to walk away. I have had to build myself up every time that I have chose to then not let Ed in or at least not listen to Ed.
I'm hoping one day I can look back and see this and think that this was my ending to my new beginning of life. Hopefully a good one for that as well.
Like first high school, it wasn't so much of a impact at first. The sports was. I was used to playing basketball, volleyball, track, and swim. So to then go to college and really only be competitive in volleyball was hard. Specially to go to the games or just go for a swim, just felt like I had an old life that I loved and I couldn't get back.
And it doesn't help that I am a very tentative and protective person (of myself and then the ppl that I do actually let in). So to make friends is hard. So to let go of the ones that were my friends is even harder for me.
Getting my Bachelors was like a bitter sweet thing. I was happy that I didn't have to go back to class or take a frickin exam, but then I was also like okay now what do I do with my life?!
Really though, when I have gotten a job I've poured myself into it. You ask me to do something and I have to do it. I can't give up and it has to be well at least as best as I can possibly do it. It's perfect in my eyes, maybe not yours, but it is in mine.
I think that's why it's so hard for me to give up Ed. It's an end of Ed. And I've poured myself into him for so long that I am hesitant to walk away. I have had to build myself up every time that I have chose to then not let Ed in or at least not listen to Ed.
I'm hoping one day I can look back and see this and think that this was my ending to my new beginning of life. Hopefully a good one for that as well.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
BEGINNING
So as many know I started with Ed 18 yrs ago. It wasn't until last year that I even thought of attempting to live without Ed. And yet here I am still with Ed, we're best friends, lovers, companions, and I hate him with all of my heart!
I like the question of do you know how to live in the now?
I suck at living in the now! It doesn't matter what time of the day it is, I don't know how to just be calm and relax and just Be. I always say I want that but yet my mind will just go racing even if I want to just lay down or sit in the sun and just breathe. It's hard for me right now even writing to not think what I have to get done this morning and afternoon. If I had a switch to my head I would turn in off in a heartbeat.
I don't know about beginnings. Because when I think of that word I want to say that I'm on this 'good' road of recovery, when in the moment I am stuck in the mud.
As for is things scary right now, they are if I don't listen to Ed. I really am not doing well at shaking his thoughts vs. mine. And I do know that when I block him out for the moment I find myself going please don't. It's really not that big of a deal, you'll be happy and not sad anymore. I need to get that voice louder cause right now it is just not enough. I'm starting to get really worried tho.
Well, what I would want as a beginning obviously needs to start with me. I just don't know how to put that first foot out the door, or even an inch out the door. It seems like every time I do something small it freaks me out and I take 4 steps back. So it almost feels like every times I take an inch I'm being pulled back a foot. I don't like that.
The last thing I want to say is that to me beginnings make me think and feel awkward, nervous, scared, anxious. It's the unknown that I don't like. And because of that I chose to stay where I am. Eventho I truly don't want to stay like that. Beginnings have hurt me, not like this isn't, it's just I tend to end up making the wrong choice it seems every times. Beginnings scare me.
I like the question of do you know how to live in the now?
I suck at living in the now! It doesn't matter what time of the day it is, I don't know how to just be calm and relax and just Be. I always say I want that but yet my mind will just go racing even if I want to just lay down or sit in the sun and just breathe. It's hard for me right now even writing to not think what I have to get done this morning and afternoon. If I had a switch to my head I would turn in off in a heartbeat.
I don't know about beginnings. Because when I think of that word I want to say that I'm on this 'good' road of recovery, when in the moment I am stuck in the mud.
As for is things scary right now, they are if I don't listen to Ed. I really am not doing well at shaking his thoughts vs. mine. And I do know that when I block him out for the moment I find myself going please don't. It's really not that big of a deal, you'll be happy and not sad anymore. I need to get that voice louder cause right now it is just not enough. I'm starting to get really worried tho.
Well, what I would want as a beginning obviously needs to start with me. I just don't know how to put that first foot out the door, or even an inch out the door. It seems like every time I do something small it freaks me out and I take 4 steps back. So it almost feels like every times I take an inch I'm being pulled back a foot. I don't like that.
The last thing I want to say is that to me beginnings make me think and feel awkward, nervous, scared, anxious. It's the unknown that I don't like. And because of that I chose to stay where I am. Eventho I truly don't want to stay like that. Beginnings have hurt me, not like this isn't, it's just I tend to end up making the wrong choice it seems every times. Beginnings scare me.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Emotional
Am I emotional??
That's an understatement!
I'm not sure why I can go from happy to sad to mad in a heartbeat, but I manage it.
Usually lately I feel really sad, trying to be happy. Like that I really want to just laugh and smile but really all I do is cry. And I can't control it either. I find it funny because my eyes always feel dry but yet I can cry non-stop.
As for others who don't show their emotions, I'm torn on it. Like on one hand I find it to be 'fake'. That they are trying to make it seem like their strong or something like that. That if they actually showed how they felt then they would be considered weak. But with that being said as well, I get it. I know how it is to make sure you don't let someone else know that they got to you the way they did because then it gives them power and Hell No am I going to give you power. So, I get both sides on it.
I mainly just show most of my sad emotions by myself. Which I think most ppl would .. idk.
But I do believe emotions are a good thing. Mainly because it shows compassion. It shows that you can look at something and understand how difficult or tough it must be. Instead of just being the pig of a person that says oh well.
Right now in recovery.. my emotions are high. I usually am sad. And once I kinda get over being sad, I'm mad. That alone pisses me off. I don't know how to handle all the emotions that I'm going thru from the past and even the ones that I'm dealing with daily. It just feels a bit overwhelming. Hopefully working thru them will get me where I need to be. *fingers crossed*
That's an understatement!
I'm not sure why I can go from happy to sad to mad in a heartbeat, but I manage it.
Usually lately I feel really sad, trying to be happy. Like that I really want to just laugh and smile but really all I do is cry. And I can't control it either. I find it funny because my eyes always feel dry but yet I can cry non-stop.
As for others who don't show their emotions, I'm torn on it. Like on one hand I find it to be 'fake'. That they are trying to make it seem like their strong or something like that. That if they actually showed how they felt then they would be considered weak. But with that being said as well, I get it. I know how it is to make sure you don't let someone else know that they got to you the way they did because then it gives them power and Hell No am I going to give you power. So, I get both sides on it.
I mainly just show most of my sad emotions by myself. Which I think most ppl would .. idk.
But I do believe emotions are a good thing. Mainly because it shows compassion. It shows that you can look at something and understand how difficult or tough it must be. Instead of just being the pig of a person that says oh well.
Right now in recovery.. my emotions are high. I usually am sad. And once I kinda get over being sad, I'm mad. That alone pisses me off. I don't know how to handle all the emotions that I'm going thru from the past and even the ones that I'm dealing with daily. It just feels a bit overwhelming. Hopefully working thru them will get me where I need to be. *fingers crossed*
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Honesty
This is VERY important to me! I believe so much in honesty it's ridiculous. And there are times that it's been SO hard to be honest and I had repercussions because of it, but I was satisfied in the end that I was truthful.
Have I always been honest tho.. Not a Chance! When I was growing up .. I mean all teenagers lie. Well, for the most part they'll have a couple lies in there ya know. When I was growing up it was weird. When I told the truth I was being told I was lying and usually got slapped. When I lied, it was believed to be truth. So, I adapted.. easily for that matter. I really didn't lie to my friends, just my mother. Everyone else for the most part was okay telling them the truth. Now lie did slip thru .. it was just for the most part I was okay with being honest with them.
Honestly really didn't really get to me up until my first boyfriend cheated on me. We broke up and whatever moved on with our ways. Which was fine. Then when my oldest sons dad cheated on me after years of being together, after giving up all that I had to to raise our child. Allowing him to live with me and to have him be with some other bitch who knew he was with me and had a child. That hit hard. Really hard! But I left him as well. He tried to get back with me, but there was no chance in the world I was going to attempt it again.
Then came my husband. I sat down with in right away and said if there is just One thing I ask of you is just please be honest .. just that's all. I know to some it seems like A LOT. To me it was just if you actually do care about me then you will give me this one wish I ask of. Unfortunately I couldn't get that. And for some reason this time I stayed. Not sure why. Still not sure. I love my husband but I can't stand the lies. I don't get why you can't be honest with someone. Specially someone you say you love.
I know they say 'Honesty is the best policy'. That kind of sounds stupid to me. I feel that honesty is being respectful, kind, and a true person. You are honest because even though you might not be this perfect person that people try to be seen as. Instead you are showing your depth, right or wrong. And your just showing who you truly are. To me that's what is needed.
I Love Honesty. It's one of the best qualities a person could ever have.
Have I always been honest tho.. Not a Chance! When I was growing up .. I mean all teenagers lie. Well, for the most part they'll have a couple lies in there ya know. When I was growing up it was weird. When I told the truth I was being told I was lying and usually got slapped. When I lied, it was believed to be truth. So, I adapted.. easily for that matter. I really didn't lie to my friends, just my mother. Everyone else for the most part was okay telling them the truth. Now lie did slip thru .. it was just for the most part I was okay with being honest with them.
Honestly really didn't really get to me up until my first boyfriend cheated on me. We broke up and whatever moved on with our ways. Which was fine. Then when my oldest sons dad cheated on me after years of being together, after giving up all that I had to to raise our child. Allowing him to live with me and to have him be with some other bitch who knew he was with me and had a child. That hit hard. Really hard! But I left him as well. He tried to get back with me, but there was no chance in the world I was going to attempt it again.
Then came my husband. I sat down with in right away and said if there is just One thing I ask of you is just please be honest .. just that's all. I know to some it seems like A LOT. To me it was just if you actually do care about me then you will give me this one wish I ask of. Unfortunately I couldn't get that. And for some reason this time I stayed. Not sure why. Still not sure. I love my husband but I can't stand the lies. I don't get why you can't be honest with someone. Specially someone you say you love.
I know they say 'Honesty is the best policy'. That kind of sounds stupid to me. I feel that honesty is being respectful, kind, and a true person. You are honest because even though you might not be this perfect person that people try to be seen as. Instead you are showing your depth, right or wrong. And your just showing who you truly are. To me that's what is needed.
I Love Honesty. It's one of the best qualities a person could ever have.
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